When The Kids Won’t Listen
Are you about to drive a nail into your head? Have the kiddies made you so crazy that you’ve asked your partner to smack you right between the eyes with a baseball bat?
Hey, with seven children of my own, I have been there! Before you loose what’s left of your sanity, let me offer a few suggestions.
Whether you have one child or many, they can make your life a living nightmare if you don’t
get to the root cause of the problem and lay down some ground rules for the household.
Let’s start by looking at what the problem isn’t. The kids aren’t being jerks
because you are married, single, divorced or remarried. Despite what many so called experts tell you,
most children develop their own agenda based on their own needs.
Trying to reason with children is ridiculous and comes from the failed theory that we, as parents, have let them down in some way.
If you find yourself in a situation that may be less then desirable for your child, explain it to them.
This might be a need to move, divorce, remarriage or the presence of a step parent.
Let your child know that you love them and really care about them, but never apologize for your family situation.
Never tell kids, “Dad and I are getting a divorce, but we want you to know that it’s not your fault.
”Just the use of the word ‘fault’ and the inclusion of the child in the process, immediately has the opposite affect intended.
Make sure that you explain any new or expected change to your family situation to your child or children as far in advance as possible.
This fosters trust and helps reassure them.
Children should never be made to feel guilty for whatever situation the family finds itself in.
Most kids act out because parents knowingly or unknowingly place guilt on them.
Why? Because kids aren’t emotionally prepared or able to deal with guilt.
Making children feel bad for no reason is a losing situation.
That doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be held responsible for bad acts.
If your child does something that injures another, destroys or does damage to your home, endangers their own welfare or shows severe disrespect for an adult, there should be consequences.
Those consequences should always include a specific punishment that lasts for a specific period of time.
My older son had a bad habit of not checking in with me and staying out past whatever time I told him to be home.
Given the problem of child abductions, I always insist on knowing where my kids are and limit their ability to be anywhere by themselves.
When he was eleven years old, my son went over to play with a friend on a Saturday morning.
I knew where he was and had the phone number to his friend‘s house. But when my son hadn’t checked in with us by four o’clock in the afternoon, I called his friend
only to find that he had left hours before. Given that, my wife and I set out to find him and spent the next several hours frantically looking for him.
Finally, just as we were about to involve the Police, my son walked in the door at nearly eight thirty in the evening.
He explained how that he had joined in with another group of friends to play some football and lost track of time.
That incident upset the entire family and, needless to say, could have ended very differently.
As a result, I grounded my son for three months. Why so harsh? Because he had been late before and
I knew that he was putting his own life and well being in jeopardy by engaging in this sort of behavior.
He learned his lesson and never failed to check in with me after that.
Most missing kids are missing either because their parents allowed them to freely roam the streets or they failed to listen
to their parents and be where they were supposed to be. Setting limits can avoid tragedy.
The biggest need most kids have is for a portion of your time.
Not giving it to them is a certain recipe for bad behavior. If you will not give them your time and attention,
they will do something bad to get it. Once you allow some time for a child, see what interests
them the most.
Some children are readers, others like to draw and all like to play. Being a Speaker, I have spent a lot of time on the road.
When I was home, I made sure to involve my kids in everything I did. I bought a huge bin of play blocks and
placed it in my home office for my younger children. They were always welcome to come in and play while I
worked. I encouraged my older kids to answer the phone and help send faxes. Sure, it made things a bit
harder for me, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
The greatest problem that parents face today is deciding how much they love their children. Sound strange?
Loving your kids means having to give up a certain things in favor of raising happy and
healthy individuals. If you love yourself more then your kids, get ready for a rough ride.
I have met more then just a few parents who hand their kids a key to the house, order a pizza, throw them a c-note
and head out for a skiing weekend.
Others move from relationship to relationship with absolutely no interest in how it may affect their
children. Loving your kids doesnt mean having to give up everything, never going out or having no love life.
But it does require that you provide them with as stable an environment as possible and take them
into consideration when you make personal or family decisions.
Stability means responsibility. Allowing children to be by themselves for extended periods of time is a formula for disaster.
While it might seem fun to them at first, most will grow to resent it and try and get back at you by getting in trouble.
If youre the kind of parent that still acts as though they had no children or are reliving your teen years,
dont bother wondering why your kids have problems. Refusing to be a responsible parent has nothing to do with
being married, single, divorced, separated or remarried. Those are your choices and you have the right to make them.
What it does mean is that you will be there when they need you, dispense reasonable punishment when it’s required and make time for them.
If both parents are present in the home, they should always present a united front when dealing with their children.
Problems begin when parents fight in front of the kids, disagree with each other on privileges for them or allow unacceptable behavior to go unpunished.
If you have problem kids or kid problems, it may be because you do not spell out what household opportunities are
privileges to be earned, and which are merely a part of living in the home. In our house privileges are watching TV or videos, going on the
computer, being allowed outside to play and being taken out to the movies, a restaurant, the library or other entertainment.
Houses Rules include no fighting, mutual respect, chores to be done and obeying parents. If the rules get broken, privileges are cut back or
discontinued for a period of time. We help our kids to learn responsibility by assigning chores and never asking them to do anything
we haven’t done or aren’t willing to do ourselves. When it’s time to clean the house, we all chip in and get the job done.
It’s disturbing to see children who are allowed to run wild with no expectation of responsibility from them. Irresponsible
kids often have irresponsible parents.
Part of being responsible means teaching kids to be good neighbors and being a good neighbor yourself.
I am glad that my kids go up to the neighbors and offer to help when furniture needs to be moved, a dog is lost and needs to found or when a
babysitter is needed. This doesn’t mean that I haven’t had to break up free for alls when the kids go at it!
Nobody’s perfect and any parent can expect their fair share of trouble when it comes to dealing with children.
If I Have to Tell You One More Time. . .: The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids To Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling
Put an end to painful power struggles with your children!
New Book available August 11 2011!
Why is it so difficult sometimes to get kids to listen? You ask your child to turn off the TV, do her homework, or get ready for school or bedtime. You know he heard you, but he ignores you. You ask again and still...no response. You've tried everything-time-outs, nagging, counting to three-and nothing seems to work.
In If I Have to Tell You One More Time..., founder of the popular online parenting course Positive Parenting Solutions Amy McCready presents a nag- and scream-free program for compassionately, yet effectively, correcting your children's bad behavior.
In this invaluable book, McCready shows parents how an understanding of the psychological theory espoused by Alfred Adler (1870-1937) can put an end to power struggles in their households. Adlerian psychology focuses on the central idea that every human being has a basic need to feel powerful-with children being no exception to the rule. And when this need isn't met in positive ways, kids will resort to negative methods, which often result in some of the most frustrating behavior they exhibit. If I Have to Tell You One More Time... provides the knowledge and tools parents need to address the deeper issues that inspire their children to misbehave. Read this book and rediscover the joy of parenting!
Available August 11, 2011!
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How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
You Can Stop Fighting With Your Chidren!
Here is the bestselling book that will give you the know–how you need to be more effective with your children and more supportive of yourself.
Enthusiastically praised by parents and professionals around the world, the down–to–earth, respectful approach of Faber and Mazlish makes relationships with children of all ages less stressful and more rewarding.
Their methods of communication, illustrated with delightful cartoons showing the skills in action, offer innovative ways to solve common problems.
Learning to Listen, Learning to Care: A Workbook to Help Kids Learn Self-Control & Empathy
When it comes to teaching kids to behave well, the 'why' is as important as the 'how.' In Learning to Listen, Learning to Care, children learn why it is important to follow rules and behave considerately toward others. This cultivates empathy, which contributes not just good behavior, but to academic and social success.
By working through the fun and engaging exercises in this book, kids learn how to recognize the impact of their behavior on others, express emotion in appropriate ways, and compromise with family and friends.
Behavioral problems among children are at an all-time high in the US. Parents of nearly 2.7 million children say that their kids suffer from severe emotional or behavioral problems that interfere with their family life or learning.
A staggering 50 percent of counseling referrals are for behavioral problems. Empathy is the antidote to many of them, according to child psychologist and author Lawrence Shapiro.
In Learning to Listen, Learning to Care, he teaches the empathy and self-control that can reduce behavioral problems and lead to long-term success. This book is appropriate for kids between the ages of six and twelve.
10 Days to a Less Distracted Child: The Breakthrough Program that Gets Your Kids to Listen, Learn, Focus, and Behave
A fresh, practical, and completely original take on handling inattentive/hyperactive children.
Anecdotal examples throughout help parents understand their kids, improve focus and organization at school, and eliminate other distracted or inappropriate behaviors at home.